Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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