I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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