I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
My vagina just recognized that song.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
