I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
