If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
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He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
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you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.