I heard we made out
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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