Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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