He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Houston, we have a squirter
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
