That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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