I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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