I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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