in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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