they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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