When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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