i jhust puked up my retainher.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
