why didn't you poke me back
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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