you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
