According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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