i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Its about making memories worth repressing
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
