Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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