Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
