as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Randomize
