last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
