Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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