Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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