so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
