the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
