Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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