He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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