I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
