K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
