who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
