i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
