Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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