if you like me you must not know who I am
someone owes me an orgasm
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
