i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Sext me about skeletons
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize