I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
