have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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