Kiss
Puke
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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