dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
