her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm really busy with my period
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