He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
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