im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i think i just lost a toe
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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