I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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