Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
