I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
