please come you make the beer taste better
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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