Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
