Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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