Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
