Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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