My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
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I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
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I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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