i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
you never un-have a 4some
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
