i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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